The way I felt for the majority of my freshman year is a feeling that I don’t wish on others. I felt forgotten, dislikes, small, stupid, and hurt. The person who was supposed to be there for me no matter what, my best friend since age 4, couldn’t give a shit about me. If I couldn’t help her climb the social ladder, I didn’t matter.
I would hang out with out friends and feel as though I was watching everything from outside. It was a bit foggy and muffled and if I screamed, nobody would lift their head in my direction. The only reason I still spent time with them was because I was afraid that if I said no again, it would be the last time they asked me anything. These were my friends and yes I had acquaintances and other people I was friendly with but they were too prude or boring. I may not have been big on drinking but I swore like a sailor and loved to be sexual. My current friends knew this and were decently accepting of it and I didn’t think I could find other friends that I enjoyed. That is kinda ironic because at this point I did not enjoy the friends I had.
I felt so invalid, I needed something to make my friends, to make Kate, look at me again. This is when I discovered the perks of having big boobs- It gets guys attention. I was so sick and tired of guys befriending me and pretending I was the end goal only to have them ask “so, is Kate seeing anyone?” and rarely talking to me after I answered them.
Alex had started dating on of the guys in our group, Ben. He was attractive. He had a swimmers body and sandy hair. He had an arrogant swag that was somehow appealing. They dated for a while. Kate was not too happy about this. Alex and I had actually made Ben and Kate kiss earlier in the year, Kates first legit kiss. They had a mini thing but not really. except that Kate liked him. Later in the year when Ben and Alex became official Kate was hurt. She said she planned on dating Ben our Junior year so as long as he and Alex didn’t last until then it was fine. She was bitter, it made me happy.
After a few months and some gift exchanges Ben and Alex were over. It was towards the end of the school year. One night our whole friend group went out. A majority of them were drinking, I of course, was not. I’m not quite sure how it happened but Ben started talking to me. Saying how he wanted to use Kate as a revenge hook up for Alex breaking up with him. I told him that Kate wouldn’t do that, it was much to risky for their friendship which was one that Kate could not lose. I told Ben that I was sorry that his plan didn’t work out but there were other fish in the sea. He and I had gotten far ahead of the others and had just kept going.
Ben needed to pee so he pulled off to the side of the bike path that we were on and he asked me if I would hook up, for real. I had already told him earlier that I couldn’t do that to Alex. But there was Ben, a hot, popular guy asking me to make out, how could I say no. This kind of thing didn’t happen to me ever and I would regret saying no. Not because I liked him but because I needed to know that someone liked me or at least liked a part of me or liked me enough to swap spit. Ben and I peeled off to the side of the path and started making out, my top was off when my phone started vibrating with texts from Kate asking where I was. I ignored them as Ben tried to convince me to let him put his hand down my pants and do the same for him. I had never done anything more than making out. I had had intensely made out but I’d never really touched a…you know. I didn’t think I could do it, I couldn’t. I did. Thankfully my phone cut us short. Kate was getting picked up and I had to come immediately if I wanted a ride. So ben and i put ourselves back together and met up with everybody.
While Kate and I were running to meet her dad she asked me what I had prayed she wouldn’t. “Did you and Ben…?” Though there was a lot of doubt in her tone, I knew part of her knew it may somehow have occurred. I responded “Ben? No! He and Alex broke up like two weeks ago, I wouldn’t do that.”
But I did.