The Issue with Kissing

Everybody knows that three is a crowd. Clearly this was forgotten when Ali and Max and I decided to become the three best friends ever. That is, until something changed.

Max and I talked all the time and would stay up late conversing about nothing. Gosh did I have the hugest crush ever on him. He knew and was cool about it so that was cool. We went on a few dates the summer going into high school. They were petty dates though, all of our/my friends would go on group movie dates and I didn’t want to go alone so I would invite him. He always said yes. We spent almost every friday of that summer at the movies together. Our first dates!! Well fake date is more accurate but still. Then one night we went to the movies with just one other couple, the smallest group yet. Water for Elephants, that was the movie we saw…I wonder if I will ever forget that? Because Max finally made a move. He held my hand. He didn’t have to, we had made sure long ago that we knew these were friend dates. Wow, I had no idea what to do after that night. I thought, finally, I have a chance with this amazing guy I have liked for two years.

Or no I had no chance.

A few weeks into school starting Max told me he really liked Ali and that he was going to ask her out. I was totally crushed but it was okay because she wouldn’t say yes to dating him, she was still my best friend. Plus, I had asked her many times if she liked Max and her answer was always a firm no.

Turns out Ali must have been lying to me because much to my surprise she said “yes” when Max asked her out. I was devastated. However, I took it upon myself to tell Max how I really felt, I told him I thought I was in love with him (over text.) He was calm about it so that was cool but there was one other person who had known that I thought I was in love with him. Guess who? Ali 🙂 At this point things began to feel like they were falling apart. I didn’t like Kate because she didn’t treat me right and would blow me off for literally anybody else. It was freshman year and I didn’t drink while everybody else seemed to.

In short- my friends screwed me over, Kate by not being there when I needed her, Ali for dating Max, my other friends started talking to me less and less because I was against drinking. It was to the point where none of my friends made me feel good about myself and it really just felt like I didn’t have friends. There was also something major going on at home that will come up in the next post but life at home was stressful too. It seemed like life was not in my favor for a while.

But then, Max and Ali’s relationship turned to shit. So he turned to me. We would meet up every sunday after he got out of church and spend hours walking in the cemetery while the fall leaves fell around us. I guess this is when he finally fell for me. Technically Max and Ali were still together but he was going to break up with her and he and I never actually did anything on our Sunday afternoons so nobody really did anything wrong.

Max broke up with Ali and the Friday after it happened I asked him to come babysitting with me. He was amazing with the kids, they all ran around laughing and he had a huge smile on. We had our first kiss that night. He said “look, now I got it over with” and that probably should have been a red flag but damn he was a nice guy who I thought I was in love with.

I won’t bog you down with the minutia of how the rest of our story played out but we were together for almost six months. At least I thought we were but then one night I saw him and Ali holding hands and was just WTF. Max and I were on a loop where we would fight then hook up then fight then hook up over and over. But Max had met my parents, he had come to events with my family which is something I am not keen on doing. I thought we were the real deal but I guess again, I was wrong.

One night, on our way home from ski club when Max and I were sharing a seat on the bus I told him that I didn’t have feelings for him anymore. A huge lie. He was playing a video game and barely grunted in acknowledgment. I thought if I told him and we stopped seeing each other then Ali and i could fully fix our friendship and all of the drama would end. Wrong again.

Max stopped talking to me after that night. When I confronted him he said he didn’t mean to ignore and ice me out, “it just happened.” Funny thing was, that was far from what happened with Ali. Actually Max and Ali would later attend both junior and senior proms together, he would propose in a way that I had to see every day as I walked to class. They won because they got each other and even if it wasn’t as lovers, they were friends. I lost both of them. Max never really spoke to me again and Ali and I were cordial but that was it.

Now my world felt even more empty. I lost Max and Ali, two of my closest friends and favorite people in my life. Chase and Mike didn’t really like hanging out with me because of how much I didn’t like drinking but in my defense I had lost my bestest best friend to drinking culture so I ya, I didn’t love the thing that seemed to pull us farther and farther apart. And I had no money on top of all of this. I wouldn’t say I was depressed, I was still a happy person but I was getting hurt by people I cared for left and right. How was I supposed to deal with that?

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